re·as·sur·ance

noun

• the action of removing someone's doubts or fears.
• a statement or comment that removes someone's doubts or fears.

 It's been eight months now.  Eight months of redefining our family and eight months of digging deep.  It's been a sweet time of redemption and victories and it's been a challenging time of stretching and growing.  

Fact is, I wouldn't change one second of it.  

For those of you that have talked me down from the ledge, I know you're probably thinking, "Not even that one really hard day?"  Nope, not even that one.  It's taken me some time (I can sure be a slow learner when it comes to this thing called life) but today, I received a gift. It didn't come with a bow and truthfully, I almost missed it in the mundane. You see, it was tucked in between packing lunches and dirty dishes and answering the same question for what seems like the millionth time. 

"Will you always be my mom and dad?"  

How can it be that this question has become routine?  This is a question I've been asked a lot in the last eight months.  It wasn't in the 'parenting manual'. (Okay, where is that manual anyway?) It wasn't in the dream that I had painted when I was a young mom staring into the face of my first born.  My devotion to motherhood has always been a given in my eyes.  I've never waivered and I've never questioned. As we stood in the kitchen this morning, I looked deep into the eyes of uncertainty. The simple task of parting ways for the day was bringing about insecurity and a sense of abandonment. It hurt my heart so much the first time these words fell on my ears. How must it feel to not hold the assurance of unconditional love?  What turmoil comes with the unknown?  Admittedly though, I've grown impatient. I've been inconvenienced by the challenge of running to the store or even using the bathroom without tripping over a waiting a child and answering this same question again, sometimes asked with eyes only. I've allowed myself to grumble and moan about the extra time and extra words it can take some days. 

...and then, I started doubting my Father.

Isaiah 40:28 ~ Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

I started to question if He was really there through the thick of it and if He would always be there, even if I was broken. I wondered if He was listening and if He could hear the urgency in my repeated requests. Would He always be my Father?  Today, in the mundane of life, He gave me reassurance once again. If in my humanity, I can without a doubt reassure my son that he will never look to the skies again and pray for a family, then how can I not know that my Father, who knit me together before my first breath will never abandon me? 

Comfortable Discomfort

I've heard it said that adoption turns your life upside down and your heart right side up. At the time, it sounded like a catchy little phrase to use in a blog post.

Okay, it is.

In the last 3 weeks, this has become so much more than a phrase though. It is our life. We boarded a plane with our 'luggage' full of expectations and fears not so long ago but, somehow we over packed. When we said yes to adoption nearly 2 years ago, there was no way to know what we were signing up for. We heard the stories...oh yes, we heard them. People feel compelled to share them just like a group of women will tell labor stories when your pregnant. All in good intention, right? We also seen the sweet faces of children waiting for their families that were coupled with stories that gripped my heart. It was hard not to fall in love with each one of them. I will admittedly say that we fell in love with Daniel's infectious smile and his need for a family first. We fell in love with obedience to a God who had rescued us and called us his own and we knew that we had to respond.  What we didn't know was what it required.  I won't relive the roller coaster that put Great America to shame. The adoption process is hard. What I will tell you is that every single obstacle was met with provision and every single road block gave way.

Now, we are on a new leg of the journey.  We've been home for 1 week now and the only way I can describe it is a comfortable discomfort.  Allow me to explain...

I have been on three mission trips to Africa, two of which were to my son's birth country. Each time I return home, I feel like I'm in a fog. It is hard for me to find my place in such contrasting cultures and I'm always left asking God how to respond to what I've seen, felt, heard, smelled...  Although my recent time in Burkina was not mission related, I believe that when you have a heart seeking this very question to God, He is always answering.  This trip was no exception.  This time my husband was by my side and he too was feeling the pull at his heart.  It is one thing to fall in love with a picture.  It is one thing to see the faces of poverty and need through a computer monitor. It is another thing all together when it is standing next to you on the corner, or when you are holding it's severely disabled child. It doesn't leave you when you are standing in the walls of it's church or when you are holding it's hand.  It sticks with you.  ...sometimes, it comes home with you and you look into its eyes each and every day and it compels you to give more of yourself than you even knew existed.  

This picture doesn't look like much but it is a glimpse of what it looks like to have your heart turned right side up. This is a picture of Daniel's leftovers from last night. These are the few things that he didn't care for and had picked out of his supper and rolled into a napkin. He's a great eater but hey, how many kids really like cooked carrots and cabbage?  When he had finished eating and cleared his spot from the table he motioned to the napkin, asking me where to put it. I told him he could put it in the garbage but he looked confused. I said it again because I wasn't sure he heard me correctly. One of the things Daniel has loved to help with is the garbage and I was sure this was something he was familiar with.  As he heard me say it again and point towards the pantry where our garbage is kept, he again met my charades with a puzzled look. Finally, he asked me in French, "donate?"            

What Daniel was saying is, "Mama, who can we give this to?"  

Just a few weeks ago I had tucked an old, mostly eaten piece of bread into a black plastic bag at the guest house we stayed at because quite frankly, I was embarrassed to throw it away and have the grounds keeper find it in our garbage. The next morning as I turned the corner to hang clothes out to dry, there sat the black plastic sack with the old bread, waiting to be eaten. People just don't throw food away. There were many times in the two weeks we were in Burkina that we handed food out to children in need or gave empty plastic water bottles to those who have no means to carry water on a 100+ degree day. Daniel was the first to give joyfully! It was just a given each day to share everything we had.  I'd like to think we live our lives with intention in our culture as well. We try to be available to what needs God places before us...but I don't know if it becomes uncomfortable.  

As we bring our first week to a close, learning what our new normal is, there is a comfortable discomfort in our house. It is one that demands that we respond to what we can't un-know.  It asks us to dig deep and to be aware. It reminds us that as we find shelter in the walls of our home and our bellies are full each night, there are still needs that we know exist and they ask us to open our hearts.  

This is the face of our "yes" to God.  This is the face of our comfortable discomfort, one we are so grateful for.  I urge you to ask God today what He wants you to trust him with, and respond.  

In His Grace,

Lisa

I am a blog junkie.  There, I said it. I'm also a documentary junkie, an article junkie, and a talk radio junkie. I can't seem to get enough of the stuff.  I love the way an author or a speaker can reach right into my heart sometimes and pull out what has been just taking up space.  Or how a line from a story in someone else's life can make me think differently than I have in the past.

I love to learn and I love to grow.

This past week, as I was putting in some 'windshield time', I was listening to Jill Savage speak on Midday Connection.  Her story and her testimony was compelling but, there is really only one thing that has stuck with me like glue.  Tucked in the words she shared was this... "Don't compare your 'behind the scenes' with other peoples 'highlight reel'." She challenged us as listeners to think about how it used to be that we would see people who appeared to be neat and put together, living the life we'd wished we had, on occasion and then we would go about our lives, wanting more.  Now, we see those people every time we pull up Social Media and it sometimes leaves us feeling like we just aren't measuring up.  My first thought was, "how silly would it be to compare your life with someone's Facebook feed?" I mean, everyone knows that those are just snippets of peoples actual lives, right?

Maybe.  Maybe not.

The last several years, I have invited many of you into our lives as we said, "Yes" to adoption.  I've tried to be transparent as we have experienced the highs and lows of this process, learning how to love what Jesus loves, orphans and widows (James 1:27).  It has blown the door wide open to new friendships, a deeper compassion, and commitment I have never known before...and through months, nearly 2 years of 'expecting', God has shown his glory in some pretty powerful ways.

I was talking with a good friend/fellow adoptive mom this week.  She was sharing with me how her heart and her physical being were feeling a bit worn from mommy-hood.  After all, it's a job that is not for the faint of heart.  It requires being 'on' at all times and when there are hurts that can't be fixed by you, well... that just plain stinks.  We talked about the dynamics in their home and what the dynamics in my own home may look like in just a short while.  After all, we are riding the 'high' right now.  We are singing the victory hymn and we are basking in the taste of a battle hard fought on our behalf.  But what will our song sound like in a few shorts months?  As we continued our conversation, I confessed to my friend that I was struggling with our family being somehow identified as "wonderful" or how Daniel would be considered "lucky to have us". Didn't they know that just a few days ago, 2 out of my 4 children were disappointed in me by 7 a.m.!  Didn't they know that I have a sink full of dishes and duct tape holding the drawer of my refrigerator together? Don't they realize that I have fears and insecurities and that sometimes I wonder if I could possibly be trusted by God to guide my children or be a helper and a partner to my husband?

...then it hit me.  The 'highlight reel'.

Oh, dear friends.  I want to set the story straight.  We are not wonderful... but God is!  I mean that with every fiber of my being.  What we are is available.  We have decided to step out of what is comfortable to love what Jesus loves, because we love Him.  We are committed, and we are trusting God but most of all, we are flawed and we are dependent on Him.  I need you to know that our behind the scenes are produced in the same studio as yours and when I am tempted to compare our lives to your highlight reel, I'm going to remember the same.

Sometime ago, I wrote this in the back of my Bible to serve as a reminder.  

These words are just as true today as they were over 500 years ago.  

I have been overwhelmed by the way God has brought so many of you alongside us.  It has been like salve to a wound during some trying times.  In the months ahead, as we are settling in and learning the script of a new cast at our house, we will be encouraged knowing that so many of you have already given us great reviews, simply because you believe in what God has called us to.  

All my love, 

-Lisa

Timehop.  Have you heard of it?

I don't consider myself among the ranks of the technologically brilliant. In fact, I really have a love-hate relationship with the stuff.  I try, oh do I try.  I am raising teenagers at my house and the experts say, "stay relevant."  So, I'm giving it my best.  I took notice one day of this clever little app that my daughter was using called Timehop.  How fun?!  It gives you a snapshot of where you were (or what you've posted on Facebook) in the past years.  At the touch of an icon on a screen, I have had smiles erupt at first day of school pictures from 5 years ago, milestones reached in our home, and memories gone by.  

Today was no exception.

This a snapshot of life one year ago.  My bags were packed to head with an incredible team of women to serve in Burkina Faso, Africa.   To you, this simple picture from this simple app may look like luggage, nothing more.  To me, it is so much more.  It represents a benchmark.  At this very moment, my bags were packed more loosely than my heart, so full of anticipation!  I knew that I was going to have the privilege of seeing an incredible God work in the lives of my sisters sitting along side of me and my sisters on the other side of the world.  I knew that my feet were going to stand on the warm, sandy ground of Dorcas House, where girls are redeemed and restored.  I dreamed of dancing and praising God in the open, airy church of Central in Ouagadougou, with no reservation.  I could almost feel the fingers of our Compassion child around my hand while she proudly showed me her classroom.  ...and I longed to be near our son, whom we have not met, knowing that even though we would not embrace, I would be sleeping under the same African sky, only miles away.  Somehow, it was comforting.  

A lot has happened in a year.  God has stretched my heart with more enthusiasm than a child tugging on Silly Putty.  We have seen incredible highs and we have seen dark lows.  I wish I could tell you that I have faced both with rock-solid faith.  Some days, I have wondered how I could every doubt that God's hand is molding my very life and yet others, I have wondered how to remain still.  I shared a verse with a friend recently.  

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

I believe this verse.  Some days, it requires obedience.  It requires trusting that when I feel like God can't possibly bring good out of circumstances, I know it.  Guess what, He is ALWAYS faithful!  I can scan back over the 'snapshots' of my heart and give thanks, knowing that God has remained in each detail.  But, as much fun as it is to look back, my thoughts and my heart are also stretched forward.  Today, one year later, there is a whole new team of women heading out.  

Last night, I had the privilege of praying for this team. I am full of anticipation of how God will grow the hearts of these women and love on the people of Burkina through them but, this team is special to me.  Lord willing, they will travel to Daniel's orphanage.  They are bringing physical items that are much needed but, they will also deliver hope to our son. They will remind him of his mom and dad who are longing to embrace him.  Of his brother and sisters who can't wait to know him.  Of a community and a church who has prayed for him so, so often.  And of a God, who has never, ever forsaken him, even if he felt like He has.  

I couldn't help it this morning...my heart was aching in my chest.  I laid my head on Shawn's shoulder and let the tears come.  I would love to be boarding that plane with them but, I know that when Daniel comes home, and he is feeling like nothing in his new world is familiar, he will pass these women in the halls of our church and be reminded of their time with him on the other side of the world.  I pray it brings him comfort.  I know it will for me. 

Please join me in praying for this team!  

Isaiah 58:11 ~ The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. 

If there is an app that will let me 'hop' ahead to a year from now, please let me know.  On second thought, don't tell me.  I wouldn't want to miss what God has planned for us in between.  

In His grace,

Lisa

In the appraisal world, we have a phrase we use... "The subject appears to have exceeded it's economic life."  Over time, a neglected home deteriorates.  Walls that once held promise of a bright future become tired and worn.  

I did an inspection today on a home for a purchase.  The family that was about to move into it met me there and we talked about how although the home was built in 1994 (how can that be 20 years ago already?!), it was well maintained and in great condition. I could see the anticipation in their faces as they prepared to settle in to their home. The house was solid and useful, because it was maintained.

Homes need to maintained or they lose their value.  So do relationships. 

This week I took my mom to visit an old friend.  As we made our way down their rural road to the farmhouse that holds so many memories, my mom looked at me and said, "I don't think I've been this way in 20 years."  We both thought for a minute and realized it had been more like 30.  As we pulled up the gravel drive, it was evident that the old barn had worn some but as my mom and her sweet friend embraced, it was clear their friendship hadn't.  To witness them 'maintain' their relationship and breathe new hope into it was such a blessing for me!

Don't neglect the relationships in your life that need some maintenance.  Before we know it, time gets away...

In His grace,
Lisa

Hebrews 10:24-25

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

There's more to this chapter...

For over a year, I have tried to share with much transparency, the highs and lows of bringing Daniel home.  It has been consuming and transforming as we anticipate how our family will look with Daniel in it.  You have literally offered a shoulder to cry on and countless hugs to see us through.  

You have been Jesus...with skin on.

There's more to this chapter though.  So much more to our family than adoption.  So much more to me as a mom. 

I was asked recently if I could sit in on a discussion to encourage young moms.  I was honored...then filled with doubt.  I have had so many wise, wise women pour into me as a wife and a mom over the years.  Their experience and guidance have gotten me through some impulsive decisions that would have gave way to tearing down my family rather than building it up.  I have always been intentional about surrounding myself with people much wiser than me in my walk as a mom.  I couldn't see it any other way.  I couldn't value them anymore. What could I offer though? 

I won't lie, I am still pondering that one but, I've learned a few things.  

1.) Children need to be loved the most when they are least lovable.  

When I was seventeen...almost eighteen years old and expecting my first child (Yes, 17...almost 18), some neighbors and friends put on a small baby shower for me in my mom's garage. I had been married just months before and was expecting my first child by our first anniversary.  At seventeen, I was so sure I was ready to grow up. (I won't turn back to that chapter at this point) Thinking back now, it was uncomfortable for them, the women at that shower. Of course it was. I sensed the doubt in their tone as they went around one by one sharing parenting tips in an attempt to help me be successful as a mom. Today, I don't remember what each woman said...except one. Emma was a stand-in Grandma to me.  She was a woman with a gruff exterior and a soft tender heart.  I haven't forgotten what she said.  "Children need to be loved the most when they are least lovable."  This has been permanently branded on my heart. Now...nearly 20 years later, I can't think of any other piece of advice that has held more true for my first born, blue eyed girl who is now a young woman.

With her permission, there's more to this story...this chapter of our lives.

It's interesting as I think back to that day in the garage.  I didn't doubt.  In fact, I was so sure of myself. 

I set out on my course to navigate the waters of motherhood and guess what, I wasn't so bad at it. When Alex cried, I held her, I changed her, I danced with her, I sang to her, and I loved her. When she conquered milestones, I cheered her on, urging her to keep on overcoming the next hurdle. I felt like I could anticipate her needs.  Sure, there were days.  Sometimes I was too tired, sometimes I was too impatient, sometimes I just didn't want to listen to one more story. This sweet child could talk your ears off and she never ran short of something interesting to share! 

But, I loved every.single.minute.  I mean it.  I was born to be a mom.

Then, something changed.  I couldn't 'kiss' the hurts away anymore and fear and doubt crept in. In the blink of an eye, or so it seemed, I couldn't anticipate the answers.  All of a sudden, I found my boat filling with water fast.  As my firstborn has become an adult, we have both had to redefine.  We have both had to face uncharted waters and it's been hard.  We've had to let go of unfair expectations and we've had to forgive...a lot.  

Parenting goes beyond giggles and first steps.  It goes beyond achievements and temper tantrums.  It requires love... 

1 Corinthians 13:3-7

"If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."

...to the end.

This last year has been a year of transitions in so many ways as a mom. Carsen became a teenager, Bailey is making plans to drive soon, everything about our future now includes "the boys" as we anticipate Daniel coming home, and Alex and I are learning what it looks like to respect and love each other in our new roles.  Truth be told, I'm still not sure I'm doing such a great job at letting go but, those same women God has been faithful to surround me with all these years...their still there... 

Loving me when I am the least lovable.

In His grace,

Lisa

the next chapter.

the prologue. At one point or another, most of us have stuck our noses into a good page turner.  Some of us lost our love for reading not far beyond Cat in the Hat but a good story keeps us intrigued. A good story makes you lean in and an interesting plot challenges you to figure out the ending. Would the words of a story teller challenge you to read or listen on if the author didn't keep you captivated?  Even Dr. Suess keeps us guessing what the next mischievous adventure will be!  

the story. As I think back over the chapters of my own story, I wondered sometimes how the binding of my book wouldn't break. Sometimes it has taken courage and faith to turn the page and sometimes, I've tried to skip ahead.  But the ending is never rewarding without the story in between, is it?  It doesn't even make sense.  

the author. Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

the next chapter.

A new chapter is unfolding in our lives.  Many of you have been written into our story as we step out in faith to bring our son Daniel home from Burkina Faso, Africa.  If you'd like to get up to speed, I have journaled this section of our 'book' at http://www.gofundme.com/2xjcg0. These pages have required a deepening of our faith and complete trust in the Author.  They have challenged us to not flip through the story too quickly and to trust in the ending. But we have read other 'books' by the Author...countless stories of redemption and victory and we look forward to allowing Him to write ours!  

the bookmark. So I'll place the bookmark here until next time.  Thank you for picking up our story.