There's more to this chapter...

For over a year, I have tried to share with much transparency, the highs and lows of bringing Daniel home.  It has been consuming and transforming as we anticipate how our family will look with Daniel in it.  You have literally offered a shoulder to cry on and countless hugs to see us through.  

You have been Jesus...with skin on.

There's more to this chapter though.  So much more to our family than adoption.  So much more to me as a mom. 

I was asked recently if I could sit in on a discussion to encourage young moms.  I was honored...then filled with doubt.  I have had so many wise, wise women pour into me as a wife and a mom over the years.  Their experience and guidance have gotten me through some impulsive decisions that would have gave way to tearing down my family rather than building it up.  I have always been intentional about surrounding myself with people much wiser than me in my walk as a mom.  I couldn't see it any other way.  I couldn't value them anymore. What could I offer though? 

I won't lie, I am still pondering that one but, I've learned a few things.  

1.) Children need to be loved the most when they are least lovable.  

When I was seventeen...almost eighteen years old and expecting my first child (Yes, 17...almost 18), some neighbors and friends put on a small baby shower for me in my mom's garage. I had been married just months before and was expecting my first child by our first anniversary.  At seventeen, I was so sure I was ready to grow up. (I won't turn back to that chapter at this point) Thinking back now, it was uncomfortable for them, the women at that shower. Of course it was. I sensed the doubt in their tone as they went around one by one sharing parenting tips in an attempt to help me be successful as a mom. Today, I don't remember what each woman said...except one. Emma was a stand-in Grandma to me.  She was a woman with a gruff exterior and a soft tender heart.  I haven't forgotten what she said.  "Children need to be loved the most when they are least lovable."  This has been permanently branded on my heart. Now...nearly 20 years later, I can't think of any other piece of advice that has held more true for my first born, blue eyed girl who is now a young woman.

With her permission, there's more to this story...this chapter of our lives.

It's interesting as I think back to that day in the garage.  I didn't doubt.  In fact, I was so sure of myself. 

I set out on my course to navigate the waters of motherhood and guess what, I wasn't so bad at it. When Alex cried, I held her, I changed her, I danced with her, I sang to her, and I loved her. When she conquered milestones, I cheered her on, urging her to keep on overcoming the next hurdle. I felt like I could anticipate her needs.  Sure, there were days.  Sometimes I was too tired, sometimes I was too impatient, sometimes I just didn't want to listen to one more story. This sweet child could talk your ears off and she never ran short of something interesting to share! 

But, I loved every.single.minute.  I mean it.  I was born to be a mom.

Then, something changed.  I couldn't 'kiss' the hurts away anymore and fear and doubt crept in. In the blink of an eye, or so it seemed, I couldn't anticipate the answers.  All of a sudden, I found my boat filling with water fast.  As my firstborn has become an adult, we have both had to redefine.  We have both had to face uncharted waters and it's been hard.  We've had to let go of unfair expectations and we've had to forgive...a lot.  

Parenting goes beyond giggles and first steps.  It goes beyond achievements and temper tantrums.  It requires love... 

1 Corinthians 13:3-7

"If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."

...to the end.

This last year has been a year of transitions in so many ways as a mom. Carsen became a teenager, Bailey is making plans to drive soon, everything about our future now includes "the boys" as we anticipate Daniel coming home, and Alex and I are learning what it looks like to respect and love each other in our new roles.  Truth be told, I'm still not sure I'm doing such a great job at letting go but, those same women God has been faithful to surround me with all these years...their still there... 

Loving me when I am the least lovable.

In His grace,

Lisa